Code Switching: (1) Black Today or Nah?

Code switching is a big deal in the black community and happens daily.  I mean to be able to switch it up within seconds shows how masterful we are in dealing with life daily.  I could be talking to my homegirl one minute and the next minute talking to my manager like I attended Harvard or some shit.  Yall do not understand how flexible we have to be.  Just for the record, yes we are two people daily all day.  Now, I can converse with you without using slang, I can change my vernacular to appeal to you, to make you more comfortable so I won’t seem dumb, but why though.  Why Sway?  It’s really an innate ability and you also learn it as a child from your parents.  Has your mom ever been talking on the phone sounding like she was interviewing for a job and get off the phone and say, “If you don’t get your ass in that room and clean up that mess?”  It’s pretty hilarious but we learn early on how to be chameleons, how to switch up our tone, words, etc.  It just comes with the territory.  Man oh man it gets really exhausted when you have to do this at work.

So, my old manager did joint rides with us monthly, and before he got in my car, I would turn to a Jazz radio station.  Now, I like Jazz but I don’t listen to it often.  This was for manager purposes only yall.  Being that I had already did my research on his ass, I knew his ass didn’t like anything but Country music. I’m down with Country music but only 3 songs a year works for me.  I mean, literally, I only hear 3 songs that I like and yes I do listen to those stations.  Ok, moving on my Christian friends…. That’s something I used to hear every Sunday on the radio station growing up when they were reading the announcements.  Anyway, so my manager gets in my car and he’s like, ” I didn’t know you liked Jazz?”  I wanted to say, “Bitch, I don’t but the way my radio station is setup when your ass jumps in my car I do”.  So I said yes, I enjoy the calmness and it provides an outlet for me to think about my day, goals.. He was in awe and I was thinking, “You see this shit.  Now if I had some Jay Z on or Lil Boosie turning up, he would have been like oh my I didn’t know you listen to that type of music and I would have been judged immediately.”  That’s the type of code switching shit I’m talking about.  It’s not just in spoken words yall…. But I know it’s inappropriate to have rap on in the car with your manager but don’t tell me to be myself because if I’m doing that then you should want to learn more about my music preferences and everything else cause yall so got damn nosey, shit…get on my got damn nerves sometimes with all them damn questions – Are you dating? What did you do this weekend? Are you going on vacation?  I don’t want to talk about my life, man.  Let’s just go see these clients and you can get the hell up out of my car with all that bullshit cause you know I don’t like you and you don’t like me either.

Now the more I found out about this man, the less I wanted to know.  He was nasty as hell.  He invited us to his house for a meeting and it went down hill from there.  Sometimes you just don’t want to see how people live or it could really ruin your relationship with them.  They had all the food out on the table – – chips, salsa, guacamole, etc. So why does one of my coworkers bite a chip then dip in back in the salsa like ain’t nobody else gonna eat some.  That was some nasty shit man.  I was done after that and that’s the reason I don’t do potlucks.  You don’t know how clean folks’ homes be and what they do at their homes.  See, yall folks with these damn dogs…some of yall just nasty.  So anyway, my manager’s dog was so got damn big and was laying on his couch.  Now yall, this couch was so damn nasty, stinky, and shitty looking that I couldn’t believe he still had this motherfucka in his house.  Everyone sat on the couch, rubbed the dog, and I was about to fuckin throw up.  I told one of my homies, don’t you sit yo ass on the damn couch. His dumb as sat down anyway and got up with some damn fleas.  I was the only person sitting in a chair and he invited me to sit on the couch like everyone else.  Hell naw, I was like, ” I’m working on my posture so I prefer the chair.”  The worst part about this was when I left and drove home.  I was in my car driving like, “what the fuck is this smell in my damn car?”  That smell would not go away for shit.  Then I realized that it had to be from his house.  It’s almost like a ghost on the couch was like I’m ready to leave this place and just emerged and transferred to my damn clothes.  I got home, took them clothes off, showered and threw them clothes in the trash.  I loved those jeans too but there is no way I was about to put that shit in my washer to save them from all that bacteria.

Now, this goes hand in hand with one of my other managers that licks her damn fingers after she eats.  Yall this is so disgusting and I have never seen a manager do this shit.  My first lunch meeting with her opened my eyes to how nasty she was.  After we ate, she started licking her damn fingers – – all 5 on one hand like she was starving.  Fool, you just ate some salsa, really.  Just nasty! Anyway, she did that shit again in my car.  See, that’s why I don’t allow people to eat in my car.  She ate some chips, licked her got damn fingers, then open my car door to leave.  Fool, you didn’t clean your hands, didn’t have a napkin, none of that shit.  Just acted like this was normal.  Will you please treat me like you would if you were with your director cause I know got damn well you wouldn’t be licking fingers and shit with her.  As soon as she got out, I took out my Clorox wipes and wiped that shit down so quick.  Then I got out of the car and went around to the door handle to wipe that shit too.  Just nasty I tell ya!

Dogs – Okay, I know some folks love dogs more than they love humans, black folks, a black body in the street, saving a black life – – oops did I say that?  Hell, it’s the truth.  These folks will put you in jail behind a damn dog but a black life – – NAH. I had dogs growing up and you know where they were? OUTSIDE.  When did we start letting dogs come in the house with all them damn fleas, bugs, insects and shit attached to their hair. Ain’t no way in hell, my mom and dad let dogs in our house.  Moreover, I don’t EVER remember – – simply because it never happened, picking up dog shit a day in my life.  When did we start taking a dog out for a shit, getting a bag, picking up the shit to put in the bag, and placing it in the trash. Tell me because no one I knew ever did that.  Black folks kept dogs outside where they belong.  Then all these rules changed years later where yall dog couldn’t be tied to a tree which meant his ass needed to be in the house with all his fleas.  Picking up dog shit is like you going to the bathroom to take a shit, taking the shit out of the toilet with your hands to put it in a bag and throwing it in the trash.  Now raise your hand if you are willing to pick up your own shit when you shit.  Ok, I thought so.  But think about it for a minute.  When was the last time you wiped your dog’s ass after he took a shit?  Probably never, so then you just bring him back in the house to sit on your couch.  What if he still had shit crumbs in his ass?  Who cares cause yall love dogs right?  Have you ever took a shit and left the bathroom without wiping your ass?  Probably not…I don’t know some of you may have.  Now you see what I mean.  Then, how many of you shower daily?  Ok, how many of you wash your dog daily after he’s been outside at dog parks, going for walks, playing outside, taking shits and all.  You never wash the dog daily so why in the hell is the dog in your house?  Then when it rains it’s even worse because yall bring that wet as dog back in the house.  Hell naw.  Stayed tuned for Code Switching 2!

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